Insults 13 and 14: You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile; Given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the seasick crocodile.

Did I mention that my daughter helped me with this blog? I asked her to write down all the insults in the “Mr. Grinch” song. She said, “Dad, pretty much the entire song is insults.” She’s right of course, which means she wrote down all the lyrics to a song just because she wanted to help her dad. She’s such a great kid.

Sometime along the way, she asked me if the above insults counted as one or two. I told her it’s two insults even though they are related. So, I figured it would be best to count them as two, but since they’re related I thought it would be wise to put them in the same post.

Also, I kind of forgot about posting until about eleven o’clock last night. My belly was full of pasta, and I had a strong case of the itis. To be honest, I didn’t even know what insult I was supposed to write about next. It’s a Christmas miracle that the next two insults just happened to give me enough to come up with an explanation that didn’t make me sound like a lazy, forgetful old man.

Anyway, on to the insults.

I could not find anything about whether or not crocodiles can get seasick. It seems like they shouldn’t get seasick since they spend so much time in water, but I’m not a seasick crocodile expert, so I wouldn’t know. If you put a crocodile on a yacht, would he start spewing crocodile chunks over the side? Let’s just agree that seasick or not, crocodiles aren’t the sweetest creatures in the world. Does the Grinch care one iota that someone says he doesn’t have much tender sweetness? Of course not. Hell, I wouldn’t care. No man, or grinch, wants to be praised for the amount of tender sweetness he has. This insult is no bueno.

However, saying you’d take a seasick crocodile over the Grinch? That’s a strong insult. What’s great is that it can apply to virtually any situation. Who do you want in a pickup basketball game? According to this insult, even though he can’t stand and has short limbs, you’d take the seasick crocodile. Get away driver after a bank robbery? Even though he has no thumbs and his tail would get in the way of him trying to fit in the driver’s seat, you gotta go with the seasick crocodile. And what if you needed someone to steal Christmas? Well apparently, even though Mr. Grinch has found a dog with superhuman strength specifically for the occasion, you’d still go with the seasick crocodile. To make matters worse, if crocodiles really can get seasick, that means the crocodile would throw up and ruin just about any situation you put him in, with the exception of stealing Christmas. Even Mr. Grinch would have to admit that crocodile vomit plastered on a plate of cookies intended for Santa, might be a nice touch in any Christmas stealing venture.