Insult #10: I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole

The day before I started this blog, I wondered why not touching someone with a giant pole was an insult. I mean, I wouldn't like it if someone kept poking me with a pole. If they told me they weren't going to poke me with a giant pole, I'd be happy.

Pole carrier: I wouldn't touch you with this thirty-nine and a half foot pole.
Me: I'm very happy to hear that. Thank you for respecting my personal space.

My wife and daughter explained to me that saying you wouldn't touch someone with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole meant that person was so horrible that even touching them with a long pole would be too close.

Oh. In that case, this might be a decent insult. Mr. Grinch is so awful and disgusting that even a thirty-nine and a half pole doesn't put enough distance between you and his wretched, evil, pantsless body. It's like he's so gross you're worried that his grossness will travel the length of the pole and contaminate you. Maybe if you had a forty foot pole, you'd be okay. But a thirty-nine and a half foot pole? Not good enough. He'd pass his grinchiness on to you, and next thing you know you'd have green fur and you'd stop wearing pants. If someone said my body was so repulsive that they wouldn't want to get within forty feet of me with a giant pole separating us, I'd be a little hurt. I'd take twenty showers a day just so I could get downgraded from a thirty-nine and a half foot pool to something like a fifteen foot tree branch. If no one wanted to touch me, I'd cherish the cold hard touch of a long metal pole (that's what she said). Writing this blog has made me realize that Mr. Grinch and I have some similarities, so if I feel this way, then maybe he does too. The Grinch is mean, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings. It's comments like these that probably shrunk his heart down to the size of a pea. Mr. Grinch may hate Christmas, and he may hate Who's, but just like everyone else, he wants someone to touch him, even if it's just with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole.

Or maybe he doesn't want anyone touching him. Maybe that's why he doesn't wear any pants. I can't figure out if the lack of pants means he wants someone to touch him, or he doesn't want someone to touch him. I tried to think about whether or not I want someone to touch me when I'm pantless, and to be honest I'm fifty-fifty on the subject. If I'm pantsless while having private time with my wife, she can touch away. But let's say I'm taking care of business on the porcelain throne. Hell, I don't even want to be in the same room with myself when that's going on. So, I'm not real sure how I feel. You know, I think much of what makes Mr. Grinch so confusing is his lack of pants.