Insult# 27: You’re a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

Did you know a toadstool is like a mushroom but often poisonous?  Did you know arsenic is a prime suspect in the cause of death for a plethora of historical figures, including Napolean Bonaparte? Did you know sauerkraut tastes like shit without a hot dog or corned beef accompanying it? The only thing that could make this sandwich worse if the bread was green and moldy. This sandwich tastes horrible and will kill you in two different ways. Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially the worst sandwich in the history of sandwiches.

Even if you made a sandwich from grinch fur and poop, it still might not be as terrible as a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce. I mean, this awful sandwich is three levels. I wonder how it’s laid out. I wonder if it’s bread, poisonous toadstool, sauerkraut, arsenic sauce, another slice of bread, more poisonous toadstools, more sauerkraut, more arsenic sauce, yet another slice of bread, even more poisonous toadstools, another helping of sauerkraut, more organ-wilting arsenic sauce, and finally topped with a final slice of bread. Probably the butt piece. My wife hates the butt piece, although to be honest, I don’t mind getting my hands on the butt piece.

What’s great about this insult is that it’s actually way worse than Mr. Grinch. If the Grinch really were made of toadstools and arsenic sauce, there’s no way the Whos would’ve let him carve that roast beast. I’m surprised they even let him sit at the Who table considering how terrible he smells. So, I like this insult. I don’t have anything bad to say about it. It’s gross, it’s humiliating, and as I’ve mentioned before, even Mr. Grinch doesn’t want to be considered untouchable.

Well, we’ve reached the end loyal readers. That was the last insult, and I must say, I thank you for reading. I’m not sure how many of you there were, but I’d like to thank everyone that decided to take a gander at my random ramblings about the Grinch. I also want to give special thanks to a few people.

Thank you to my daughter Kaela who wrote down all the insults for me so that I could start this blog. You’re the best sweetie. Keep being awesome.

Thank you to Sheri, Kaela, my wife Maliaka, and Jennifer, my sister from another mister, for sharing my blog with the Facebook world. Also, thank you Sheri for liking every…single…post. You are like my Annie Wilkes. Please don’t kidnap me and chop off my feet.

And last, but certainly not least, I’d like to thank my father, the great and powerful Earl F. English, for being the only person with enough sack to comment on this blog. I can’t wait to launch our beer blog in early January 2014.

Thanks again everyone. I hope you enjoyed the blog.

Merry Christmas and thanks for reading!

Insult #26: You drive a crooked hoss

This isn’t so much an insult to the Grinch as it is a condemnation of his horse. I don’t think I like that. Horses are noble creatures, however some people pump them full of steroids so they perform better when they race. Apparently, cheating in horse racing happens, and if Mr. Grinch is a crooked jockey, I guess there’s a decent chance he’s going to have a crooked hoss. He’s probably spending a fortune on horse steroids. I bet that’s what he’s giving the dog. How else do you explain the super dog strength?

I have a beagle named Rocket. He’s fairly strong for his size, but if you tie him to a sleigh, there’s no way he’s going to try to tow the thing up a snowy mountain. He’s going to lie down and take a nap. Obviously, Mr. Grinch is using unbelievable amounts of horse steroids to get his dog Max to tow a sleigh up a mountain. He’s probably giving his horse something stronger than horse steroids. What’s stronger than horse steroids? Rhino steroids? Yeah, that sounds right. Mr. Grinch gives his horse rhino steroids.

By the way, is it weird that Tony the tiger said Mr. Grinch drives his horse? I thought you rode a horse. Horses aren’t cars. Man, I always knew there was something weird about that Tony. He was always hanging around kids, talking about how “grrrrrreat” everything was, and his only piece of clothing was a red scarf. Just a really weird tiger.

Anyway, I don’t care for the anti-horse stance this insult takes, and it doesn’t really insult the Grinch directly enough. I do not like insult twenty-six. I do not like it on a list. I do not like it on a page. I do not like it on a stage.

Tomorrow is the last post. If you’ve made it this far, maybe you’ll read one more about the most disgusting sandwich ever.

Thanks for reading!

Insult# 25: You’re a crooked jerky jockey

The presence of the word “jerky,” confuses me. What does Tony the tiger mean when he says Mr. Grinch is a jerky jockey? Does he mean Mr. Grinch acts like a jerk? Mr. Grinch is definitely a jerk, so it would make sense if in this case, “jerky” meant to act like a jerk.

Or is this insult referring to the jerk spice usually found in Caribbean dishes. Perhaps the Grinch is from Jamaica, and Tony the tiger carries unexplained racist attitudes towards people from the Caribbean. Maybe he believes the Grinch is crooked because of where he’s from, and not who he is.

Or maybe the word jerky refers to the dried lean meat, often found in the form of a stick. Maybe Tony is calling Mr. Grinch a meat jockey. He likes to ride meat.

By the way, I had no idea there was so much cheating in horse racing. Jockeys cheat. Trainers cheat. I guess technically, even the horses cheat. They take steroids. However, I’m sure they think the steroids are just some perfectly legal sports supplements that their trainer recommends.

So, the Grinch is a low-down meat-riding cheater. If that’s the insult, then I approve. Also, if that’s the insult, I wonder what he was going to do with that roast beast.

If the insult means Mr. Grinch is a cheating jockey who also happens to be a jerk, well that insult doesn’t get you anywhere besides shrug city. Not terrible, but not good.

However, if the insult is actually saying Mr. Grinch is inevitably a crook because of his Jamaican heritage, then that’s just wrong and Tony the tiger should be ashamed of himself.

Thanks for reading!

Insult #24: You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch. With a nauseous super naus

I don’t think “naus” is a real word. I’m guessing it’s just being used to give emphasis to how nauseating the Grinch is. Kind of like if you use a capital letter to emphasize an adjective, such as, “Mr. Grinch is Stinky with a capital ‘S.’”

Based on Mr. Grinch being compared to both a bad banana with a greasy black peel, and a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, I’m guessing he smells straight up terrible. I don’t know how all those Whos didn’t wake up while Mr. Grinch was stinking up their entire Who-house with his grinch funk. Since Mr. Grinch doesn’t just nauseate, he nauseates with a super naus, I’m guessing if it’s that bad, people may get sick from time to time around the Grinch. If the situation is bad enough, some of the vomit might get in the Grinch’s fur to add to the funk. That’s probably why the Whos make him live in that snowy mountain and his only friend is an overly loyal dog.

I think I may have taken this insult down a disgusting path. Let’s just say this insult works because no one wants to be so gross that they give other people super nausea.

“How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” came on television today. While I did not find any signs of Tony the tiger’s presence, I did notice three things about that movie that I either forgot or never noticed.

1. The Grinch wanted to ruin Christmas because he didn’t want to hear a bunch of noise on Christmas day. I can dig it. Those Whos were loud and they had weird looking instruments. Maybe I would’ve wanted to steal Christmas too.
2. The Grinch stole the Who’s Christmas with such flare and leisure. He used a giant magnet to withdraw the nails that held the Christmas stockings in place. He took the time to wind up toys so they would march into his bag. How could he afford to be so leisurely? How long do Whos normally sleep?
3. There’s just something about that movie that makes me get excited about Christmas. Maybe it has something to do with the Grinch catching the Christmas spirit and gaining the strength of ten grinches, plus two.

Insult #23: The Paragraph

“Your soul is an appalling dump heap

Overflowing with the most disgraceful

Assortment of deplorable rubbish

Imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots.”

-       ThurlRavenscroft, AKA “Tony the Tiger”

Hold up. All this time Tony the Tiger was the one dissing the Grinch? Why did I not know this? If most people don’t know this, shouldn’t they know this? How did Mr. Grinch and Tony the Tiger ever cross paths?

Maybe Tony was hanging out in a Who diner having a bowl of cereal. Mr. Grinch, reeking of whiskey and wet dog, entered the diner and instead of having a seat at the grinch counter, he had the audacity to sit at a Who booth.

Tony had just escaped captivity from a band of poachers who specialized in the illegal buying and selling of talking animals. When he was out on his own, sick, tired, and hungry, the Whos welcomed him into Whoville. He was forever grateful for their help, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to sit idly by while some grinch rubbed his moldy green ass into a Who bench.

Tony’s tiger blood boiled. He could smell the Grinch from across the diner. He got up from his table and marched over to the Grinch. “Get your splotchy green ass outta that booth.”

“Fuck you,” said the Grinch.

“Listen here you fucking rotter, it’s a not a grrrrreat idea to curse at a tiger.” Tony picked Mr. Grinch up by the fur, but only held on for a second before he dropped the Grinch to the ground. “How can your fur be so prickly, yet so greasy?”

Mr. Grinch flashed a termite-ridden smile then punched Tony in the crotch. Mr. Grinch stood up and smacked the hostess on the ass before he walking out the door.

Tony the tiger lay on the diner floor with his hands cradling his balls. “Damn you, Mr. Grinch. You are so foul.”

Tomorrow “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” is coming on television. I’m going to watch that thing like it’s the Zapruder film to see if I can find any signs that Tony the tiger was hanging around Whoville somewhere.

Loyal reader, sole commenter, and misguided life veteran Earl wrote:

I'm going to have to check your mother's family tree to see if you're related to the sotty rotter! You're beginning to sound like the sympathetic parent who, after his son commits some unthinkable crime, explains how he's just "misunderstood."

When does the "Whos are unfair to the Grinch" campaign start? How many have signed up for the Million Man March on Whoville? Have you sent out membership applications for the GLBT coalition (Grinch Lovers Belying Truth)?

            - Earl

Whoa. Calm down Sir. My father may be a sotty rotter, but not that sotty rotter. While it is true that there have been moments in which I may have provided some rationale for Mr. Grinch’s actions or state of mind, I’m far from being in position to organize a Million Grinch March. I happen to agree that the Grinch’s soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots. No matter how much you’ve been beaten down in life, you can’t go around lying and stealing from kids. The only people that do that are people with mangled up souls. But the Grinch is a sot, you know? He gets all sotted up and just loses control. Hopefully he can get some help, get his life together, and meet a nice grinch lady. Maybe someone like this (if you plan on clicking on this link, just fast-forward to the 44:30 mark to see the female grinch. Her name is Grinchina, and at the end of Keenan’s riff about her, I think he says, “The Grinch that stole my boner.”)

I’ll admit, I like every insult in the song just a little bit more now that I can picture Tony the tiger coming up with them because he has beef with the Grinch. However, even if I didn’t have that bit of information, I’d still like this insult. It’s long, it’s true, and it would probably hurt the Grinch’s feelings. Just because he’s a smelly mean drunk, doesn’t mean he doesn’t wish for a good soul. Instead, his soul is the worst combination of trash you can think of, twisted and mashed together into a sickening knot. That’s a real cold thing to say Tony, but I don’t blame you. If I were you and the Grinch punched my sack, I’d bring the insult pain too. Or I’d just use my tiger claws to rip his sack off. Why are you even bothering with the insults when you could just tiger up and rip the Grinch’s sack off? Frosted Flakes made you soft, son.