Insult #3: You're as cuddly as a cactus

Now we're talkin'. Even the meanest of mean ones wants someone to cuddle next to on cold winter nights. But can Mr. Grinch get a little cuddle with a nice lady grinch? Heck no! No self-respecting lady grinch is going to cozy up to a present-stealing cactus boy.

Here's a confession about yours truly: the bottom of my feet feel like the side of an old barn. I try to moisturize them, but my feet have an unquenchable thirst that makes any amount of moisturizer an empty attempt at personal grooming. Most times when I'm pressed against my wife while we lay together in bed, one of my feet might come in contact with one of her podiatric pearls of perfection, and she will whisk her feet away as if they were shocked with an electric rod. It's a terrible feeling to have someone you desperately want to get next to pull any part of her body away. I couldn't imagine my whole body being so physically uncomfortable that she, or anyone else, would feel unable to cuddle next to me.

So, despite all the green fur, cuddling next to Mr. Grinch is the equivalent of rubbing your body against a cactus. Overall, a pretty strong insult if you ask me. Simple, direct, and it might cause Mr. Grinch to think about the long tunnel of dark loneliness that will fill the rest of his life.

Insult #2: You really are a heel

This is a very similar insult to the first one, and therefore is subject to similar logic, but here's the thing: I love this insult. It's a completely subjective preference based on my love of professional wrestling (or, depending on your outlook, sports entertainment, or big muscular men fake fighting while wearing very little clothing). You see, the term "heel" is used in professional wrestling to describe the bad guy. Heels usually lie, cheat, and steal (like these guys), and generally behave like terrible people.

So, the insult fits Mr. Grinch, but of course I think he wants to be a heel. Furthermore, some of my favorite wrestlers of all-time have spent much of their careers as heels (Rick Flair, Macho Man Randy Savage, Chris Jericho, The Rock), so really, I kind of think heels are cool. And that's the problem here. I think heels are cool, Mr. Grinch wants to be a heel, so really this insult should be weaker than saying Mr. Grinch is a mean one. But I can't bring myself to say this insult is weaker because it has so much panache.

Look, it's one thing to say someone is mean, a jerk, or an ass. It's a whole other thing to call someone a heel. It just has so much more flavor to it. So no, it's not the most insulting insult in the world, but I love it anyway.

On a related note, I would very much like to see a wrestler named Mr. Grinch, or The Grinch. I would like it if he was painted green. And I would like it if every time a face (professional wrestling term for a good guy) was about to win, Mr. Grinch would come in and screw everything up. I'd like for him to steal things from other wrestlers, give wicked clothesline to divas (women professional wrestlers), have a pet dog (still on the fence about whether I'd want it to be something intimidating like a doberman, or something annoying and awful like a chihuahua). Then, I want The Grinch to have one redeeming moment every Christmas where he comes in and saves the day for a face. But the following day, he must go back to being a moralless asshole.

By the way, I know moralless isn't a word, but it should be.

Insult #1: You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch

At first glance, not a bad start. There's nothing wrong with a simple insult that gets to the point. You're ugly. You're stupid. These are strong insults that don't really need much elaboration. So, it sounds as though, "You're a mean one," is a legitimate insult.

Here's the thing though: Would Mr. Grinch actually consider this an insult? I mean, it seems as though he goes out of his way to be mean. He stole everyone's Christmas presents, stole a roast beast, tied antlers on a dog then made said dog climb up a snowy mountain carrying a town's worth of presents, and he did all of this with a big ass smile on his face.

Look, if someone called me mean, I wouldn't like it. I would be hurt. But some people wear meanness as a badge. There are plenty of people out there that would hate to be called stupid, or ugly, or smelly, but if you were to call them mean, they'd say, "You're damn right I'm mean!" If grinches are anything like people, I'm sure that there are a few out there that delight in being mean. I think Mr. Grinch is one of those grinches. Just a mean, miserable, son of a bitch.

So, yes, telling Mr. Grinch he's a mean one is certainly an insult, but my guess is Mr. Grinch's response would be, "Why, thank you. Now give me your Christmas presents." Therefore, this is a decent insult, but not a great one.

What this blog is about

This blog is an analysis of the 27 insults (yes, I counted) directed at Mr. Grinch according to the "Mr. Grinch" song. Just a few things I'd like to mention:

1.  Some people might think there are more or less insults than the 27 that I count. So, here's a quick and easy breakdown of my method. If an insult includes the word "with," (for example, "Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots") that counts as one insult. If an insult includes the word "and" (as in, "You’re a crooked jerky jockey, and you drive a crooked horse"), then that counts as two insults. When in doubt, I will make the final decision because it's my blog.

2. I don't consider the fact that he's called "Mr. Grinch" an insult. If you call someone else a grinch, that's certainly an insult to that person, but not in the case of the Grinch. It's the same if you call someone Hitler. That would be an insult because you'd be referring to them as a genocidal monster bent on world domination. Unless, of course, that person's name is Hitler, in which case they might want to consider changing their name to something less inflammatory. 

Anyway, the Grinch can't help that his last name is Grinch. I know a wonderful family with just about the cutest little girl you ever did see. You know what their last name is? Gross. Mr. and Mrs. Gross with cute little girl Gross. However, they aren't gross. That just happens to be their last name.

That does bring up a question though. What is Mr. Grinch's first name? If anyone knows, please tell me. I'm guessing it's Richard. Dick Grinch. If it's not Dick Grinch, then it should be because that guy was kind of a dick. Also, his last name is Grinch and he is a grinch? What are the odds?!

3. The last insult analysis will be posted on Christmas Eve. If I've learned anything during my time here on earth, it's that Mr. Grinch might be a complete asshole on the other 364 days of the year, but he appreciates the love, unity, and camaraderie of Christmas, especially if a lot of weird little creatures are holding hands and singing, and for that, he will be free of insults on Christmas day.